What would your child self think of your adult self?
The question has been in my head as I've been trying to plan a trip home to Cape Breton. It's not a good summer for me to travel because I have a lot on my plate. The big reason I'm pushing for a trip is to spend time with my grandmother - my Nanny. Her Alzheimer's is marching with the fury of Hitler's Storm Troopers & stealing a little more of her from us every day. I need to see her & store up the bits of her I can still have.
Also while I'm home, my high school is having a reunion & I'm hoping to catch up with some of my friends from the Class of '84. You know, time to compare who is fatter than me, looks older & even more important, who looks suspiciously like they belong in my younger sisters' Class of '94.
All that to say, my Grade 5 self (in Canada it's Grade 5, not 5th grade), as perched so pertly on that authentic wood-like fence rail in my skintight Danny Terrio Dance Fever wanna-be bodysuit would never have dreamed I'd marry a Baptist minister. I was a good Catholic girl at the time that photo was taken & I'm pretty sure I'd never even heard of the Baptist Church. Nor could I have imagined I'd have spent my entire adult life living in the US - Michigan, South Carolina, New York & Virginia. I wouldn't imagine getting cancer, losing my Dad, my hero, when he was only 42 or being in NY for 9-11. I couldn't have pictured myself married to an amazingly patient husband like Roy let alone as a mom - I consistently forgot to feed the cat.
I can't help but wonder what that trying-to-look-hot-but-ending-up-tepid-at-best-girl would think of who I am today. Not what I have, a nice house, a great family, but who I am. I think I'd be ashamed of my insecurities about my Lothar of the Hill People teeth, the extra 25 pounds I drag around, and worse, my sarcasm, mean streak, innate selfishness, frequent lack of compassion, the fact I let everyone & everything intimidate me, & my tendency to be too cynical about people & circumstances.
I do think I'd be proud of the marriage I have not only sustained (take that everyone who gave us a year! see there's that mean streak) but have enjoyed, grown , loved & laughed in beyond what I could have hoped for. I'd be proud of my daughters, who, though human & cursed with my DNA are so much more beautiful inside & out not to mention more mature & responsible than I ever was at their age. I think I'd be proud of myself for finally being able to admit that I am broken & flawed and it's okay. It's okay because I'm not who I was and thank God I don't have to stay who I am today either.
I think that's pretty cool.
How about you? What would your elementary/Elementary self think of who you are today?
My high school reunion is next weekend and I'm not going. I left it too late and the flight is waaaaaaaaaay too expensive.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Tracey
ReplyDeleteSome of the things I've done, I think my younger self would be quite happy about while others...well, not so much. I like your sentence, "It's okay because I'm not who I was and thank God I don't have to stay who I am today either." Yes. I like that very much.
ReplyDeleteFunny - I almost blogged today about a semi-related topic: what would my life look like if I weren't a mom... which at age 7 (or 17, for that matter) is NOT what I thought age 27 would look like, ha! Maybe I'll ramble about that in a few months when I actually get around to blogging again ;)
ReplyDelete