Outside the Zone

I am a very self-conscious person.  After I talk to you, I'll run the conversation in my head & think "WHY did you say that?"  The voices in my head frequently tell me to stop talking, in the name of all that is good & right, stop talking, but, I nut up & keep talking anyway.  I say inappropriate things, including phrases like "nut up", & I thank God every day for a husband that doesn't judge, cajole or demean me when I do.

As a pastor's wife, certain things are expected of me & not only do I not fit the profile, I'm pretty sure I make the profiler cry.  But, I'm okay with that.  Most of the time.  If I start to feel bad about myself, I am reminded that Roy, the person I love & respect more than anyone else on the planet not only loves me too, he picked me.  And, he's glad he did.

In Fairfax, back in New York, even in Michigan, I was immersed in 'church culture'.  Pretty much everyone I had contact with on a daily basis had a similar world view to mine.  But, since moving to Burlington, I am floating around outside that comfort zone.  Most of the time it's been fine.  My addiction to pop culture, the BBC & the History Channel plus being the mom of teens means I can talk (not necessarily intelligently) on a pretty wide variety of topics.  In fact, the only uncomfortable/negative 'church-y conversation' I've had was with someone who'd been in church the past 60 years.  He thought the music was too loud at our first service & wanted my opinion on Christians & alcohol.  

It's different.  Not that different is bad, it's just, well, different.  I find myself second guessing myself & feeling like I have to be 'on' when I have a conversation with random people.  When you spend years in one culture, well, two for me - American and church, then suddenly find yourself transplanted to another, it's a little, well, perplexing.

I find myself weighing my words so because of the preconceived notions people have about church.  Just two weeks ago, a church in Toronto made the news for picketing & harassing the home of a gay man.  They were spiteful & malicious but they kept saying they had the "right to preach the gospel".  Between this guy & Bishop Lahey, we're fighting an uphill battle as "Christians".  Not every priest is a pedophile or hypocrite & not every Protestant is a hate-monger any more than every Muslim is a terrorist.

The tricky part for me is to remember to relax & be myself.  Everyone says dumb things sometimes.  Well, okay, maybe not everyone, but most people.  I can't be myself if I'm constantly worried I'm going to say the wrong thing.  I need to accept it's just a matter of time before I say something dumb.  When it happens, I'll acknowledge that it was moronic/rude/awkward/embarrassing & do my best to clarify.

It's a lot of work being yourself.